Handstand.

I DID IT!!! AND HELD IT SUSPENDED!! NO WALL. It just hit that weightless moment. I've never even had that moment assisted. Freaking awesome.

It took me a solid 20 kicks up to even graze the wall. I threw in a few shoulder stands so I could let me body feel where the wall was, popped into those no problem. Finally got against the wall for a split second. Next kick up, perfect balance for at least 3 seconds. 

I'd say 2/3 of the rest of my attempts got against the wall. Only one more suspended, but that was coming off the wall first. And then I stopped while I was ahead. Already had done an hour of bis and tris. While it's not super dead shoulders, still no need to break myself while I'm that pumped. 

Total fluke I'm sure. But a fluke that makes me want to practice every day. I'm pretty sure I fell after three seconds just out of sheer shock. I kept waiting for my feet to hit the wall and by the time I realized I was totally stopped and not touching anything, my focus was already out the door.

But after this long. I still did it. 

Take your genetic predisposition a and SHOVE IT.

I've been working out seriously for close to a decade now. And only in the past few weeks have I been able to admit to myself, I don't need to be skinny. Not like that. 

 

Former fat kid in body. Still a fat kid in mentality. And it has taken right years of being a gym rat and two years of NLXF for me to get my head out my ass. It's been 8 or 9 sessions of me barely missing a day, in the beginning going twice a day just to get the results I wanted. Hitting cardio both before and after class. And eating what I felt was like a rabbit at times. I refused to be the fat kid again. And I was determined to torture my body to do it. 

And I hit a stop point. No results. No weight down. No muscle growth. No progress. Push up pyramids still get me crying near every time because in theory I SHOULD be able to do it. And I'm nowhere close. 

Last session is the end of all that crap. I don't need to be skinny like that. I never will be. But I can get jacked if I want. I can have that muscle and look just as good. As healthy. 

I was set that it was my body's fault. That it was messed up somehow. I are right. I worked out obsessively. Doctor after doctor found nothing wrong with me. Telling me to workout more, workout less, eat more carbs, flat out not believing me. And the one that had the audacity to tell me I was genetically predisposition to be obese. 

And I'm not convinced that I don't have some imbalances hindering me, but by godsend I feel like I've found my miracle. The trainer watching me struggle for the past two years finally had enough and has put an end to this misery.

 I've more than doubled my protein intake already (I don't like meat. It's hard for me) and started heavier lifting after class every day. Hours on the cardio machines cut done to under an hour a day. 

It's been mere weeks and the progress is there. I can see it. I can feel it. I am determined. I will do this. I will get there and stay. 

That's my long boring spiel. Welcome to my life. Have a seat and stay awhile. Things are going up from here. Even if it's the scale. All muscle baby. 

A Premature Day 12

I know I am a full week behind blogging, but then yesterday happened. I'll continue on to day six soon, but for now, I'd rather just get the emotions of day twelve out there, and move them away......

"All sessions today are business brainstorming. Going around the room having 15 minute hot seats with everyone. Of course Nate went right before lunch and I had to wait until after.

Linda calling Nate a sexbomb was frighteningly hilarious.

My turn came, and I was beyond nervous, supposed to be about our near future in what we want to with yoga whether its working in the industry or not. We had five minutes to explain, five minutes for James to give his personal opinion and five minutes for the class's opinion. I started by pretty much saying I had no clue what was going on with all the new studios up and coming in the area, what and where I should be going, that I have no niche and I just have  no direction. 

And then it got far worse than I expected. I held it together for awhile, hitting that point where i couldn't talk without that awkward crack that everyone sees as "about to break" and yet he just kept pushing the buttons harder. Finally making me cry in front of everyone, until I asked to return to my seat, where the "hot seat" just continued.

I won't go into all the self pitying details, I do have notes on it, but basically he told me I'm not meant to be a yoga teacher, but not so blatantly. 

This is finishing my fourth week long intensive with him in the past 12 months. Not including the immersion or other interactions and Nates relationship with him. I feel like he has formed himself a very strong teacher and mentor in my head. And a very strong force in my yoga path. He has done the near impossible in taking me from being a COMPLETE skeptic and naysayer in Adamantine into a "how often can I take a weekday to drive to DM so I can take a 45 minute GSP so I can grow in the amazing practice" and in about a ten day span. That's beyond impressive. I am as hard headed and stubborn as they come. When I'm right, I'm right, turning me that fast almost takes brain washing skills. 

I digress, every session we have is very against cross training. Yoga is all we need. And he actively pulls people away from weights and cardio and promotes how bad for you those things are. All the negative affects those things have on your body and why they hurt your yoga practice. He was a Marine, he was a personal trainer, he isn't just speaking from a lack of ability to do those things. 

So we talked a little about my future, including renting space from dad for a "you-dio" to do private sessions with people, where I took a realistic approach in order to make it actually a possibility, to use the brainstorming team to help with the potential problems that I already foresee in the process. Having already flat out refused starting up my own workout program (he had previously basically told me to start my own NLXF and I think my utter refusal to do so really annoyed him). But the talk turned into that I'm limiting myself by giving reasons I can't do thing instead reasons I can. That I will never succeed if I stay that way.  That I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can accomplish anything. That I shouldn't be using such extreme words like love and hate. 

Then came the biggest insult I feel like I have ever experienced. After the constant ripping on anything outside yoga, he straight up tells me "You're a personal trainer, that's just what you are" and further went into that I have a foot in both the fitness and yoga world, but I'm barely a toe into yoga and fully exposed in fitness. 

Everyone else got encouragement deeper into yoga teaching, even mostly in Adamantine and GSP. Even those that only practice for personal reasons and have no desire to make it a job. They got ideas in how to go further and gain better and deeper careers. Even Nate was given the advice for a potential live/work GSP and private session studio loft in the future. And I got, go be a personal trainer. It was like being slapped across the face and being kicked out of the club.

I know the emotions surprised him, I could tell, but that doesn't make it any easier or better. Those came from my personal struggles, especially lately. I work harder than most I know. And have for a long time, and I don't have the body to represent that at all. I have the body of someone who does New Years Resolutions to work out and eat right, but gives up long before Valentines Day. I've seen doctors and other health professionals, I've had personal trainers, and I personally destroy my body to see results that I never actually achieve. I need to come to grips with this. One of the first endocrinologists I saw told me I was genetically predetermined to be obese. I lost it when I was told that. Determined more than anything to prove him wrong. It's now over three years later. I'm up 25 pounds and work just as hard as I have been. I wouldn't hire me as a trainer, looking like I do.

And it's not just looks either. I have no idea what I'm doing. I workout in excess. I kill myself and drown in sweat every day. I would have no idea where to start a client or how far to realistically push them. Yes, I've thought about a personal training certificate, but as a supplement to yoga. To have credibility with the gym crowd to have as clients, and have slight better knowledge. Not to go so far into it to be an actual in the gym trainer. There's such a huge disparity between the two.

I can't start over. Not just for my own self, I know I have the time. But I never finish anything. My parents spent an insane amount on film school before I realized I wasn't cut out for it, it wasn't the industry I would even remotely enjoy being in. Well over 100grand there. Wasted. Don't think the guilt over that still isn't a near constant thing. It's what keeps me working UNI Athletics, that being my only tie to education (even though not really) so maybe I don't look as much of a failure and waste of finances. No matter how miserable or unhappy it makes me as a person for eight months of the year. It changes my personality, making me negative and pessimistic and just a bitch in my relationships, but I have no choice. 

And I thought yoga was going to be it. Especially getting my 500 now. It's been a consistency in my life for 7 years now. My practice had ebb and flow, but I've never given it up. I love teaching, I love the feeling I have, I love the practice. I love the identity. And I thought the education and level certification was worth it. 10grand, all but two of it sponsored graciously. Even after my first epic failure. It's one of very few stabilities in life, I thought I was safe in continuing on.

And now this. I can't start over. I can't fail again. But I was just told I have anyway. Being told I am not meant to do the only thing I've ever felt successful doing is heart wrenching and yeah, I'll go as far as traumatizing. 

I know I can ignore him, I know that's what most would tell me to do. Ignore it, what does he know, keep going. But this is his life. He makes an insane living being the best in business at this. He knows what he's talking about. His advice to everyone else was spot on. He's more than earned the respect and listening.

The class was kind about it, but completely in agreement and supportive of the personal trainer idea. Telling me they would feel "safe" in having me as a trainer. That people would feel comfortable with me. That this is the time in my life to go do "my thing". 

It makes me feel like a liar in yoga, but I'd feel like a liar more in fitness. I got the "You aren't one of us" message. But I could never live in the world of trainers, I would be obliterated. 

The rest of the presentations were a blur. We got to GSP and I expected the worst. Unrolling my mat before we began, James came to me and said, "Thanks for letting me put you outside your comfort zone....it's my job" It was the job part that threw me. I appreciated the first half, the acknowledgement. But it's no one job to make a girl cry in front if the class, and then continue to try to make her talk."

I'll post more on the day when I catch up with blogging but I just needed the catharsis of this today.

Yoga thoughts

Girl comes in Sol yesterday, my brain says she looks familiar, but I've got nothing.

She chats quite a bit about living in NY and how much she misses hot yoga so she's pumped about Sol now, wants to buy a package. Tells me her lady name for the computer, I immediately know it.

But there's two in the computer, I don't want to assume its her, I ask her first name. She tells me. I blurt "I totally rode the bus with you in elementary school, I'm Clare Nordyke" and she bursts "I KNEW I knew you!" She asks about teaching and says she's thinking about getting certified.

I was amused.

It's really amazing the amount of people I know I should know that come in, but with all I've been involved with since birth, I have no clue who they are. Sometimes they know me and acknowledge me, and then I feel bad.

And now there's people that act like they KNOW me when really I just teach them. That's a weird one. We have that at NLXF, but that's more a silent club. You know you see eachother dying and miserable at 6am in their weakest and most ugly moments, but you don't say anything to them. It's a silent bond that run shockingly deep. But at the studio, when students know you change your hair or start liking things on Facebook even when you aren't FB friends. It's a weird feeling.

Not that I mind, at least I know they don't hate me :-)

December Photo Project: Day 5. Take Me Home Tonight!

Ok, I wish you could see the pants better, but at 6am, this is the picture you get. 80s Day Gauntlet! Ready to rock!

Double Whammy! Days 12 &13.

Day Twelve: Student Led Practice, Feedback, Posture Analysis, Coaching Skills, Cross Training w/ TRX, Kettlebell

• Its a good feeling when this many people are asking me if I've finally decided that I am officially going to teach, and then pushing me as hard as possible towards it. 
• I think every person today has commented on my leg warmers at least once.
• James likes to refer to Lordosis as Baby Got Back Syndrome.
• As well as hearing, "It's show off your scoliosis day!"
• It is 100% confirmed. The only thing holding me back from drop back backbends now, is fear. Its Buck it Up time!
• When it's time for the dinner break, and someone makes us sit there listening to her debate on why its not ok for her to ask about her client's bowel movements, it makes me very very grouchy.
• My head is still spinning with the notion of personal training certificates. Spinning in a good way. I hope. Scary.
• A master yogi expecting more cardio and strength training other than their yoga practice makes me happy.
• James sees everything, he noticed that I wore a HRM and called me out on it (positively). 
• "Ever seen a ripped whale?" -James Miller
• When you have done them for workouts more than just a few times, listening to presentations on the TRX and Kettlebells is more than boring. Especially at 8pm, hour 12 of the education day.
• Still spinning with thoughts, and ideas, and reservations, and hesitation. 

Day Thirteen: Student Led Practice, Feedback, Health Concerns, Pre Natal Yoga, Nutrition

• Today was my last day of group teaching practice. I did the finishing sequence which involved the Tingsha. I like to think I nailed it. Maybe I was supposed to be a performing monkey…
• I am used to learning about the fun and interesting diseases. Learning about the normal ones is just downright boring and tedious.
• Keeping my mouth shut during a conversation about how specialized medicine hurts us because doctors won't see outside of their box and therefore it is super common to have a misdiagnosis, took EVERY OUNCE of strength I had. But I refuse to be that person.
• Today's random completely inappropriate topic right before the meal break….how she's bipolar and suicide attempts.
• Over lunch, I laid my seat back in my car. I had 8 minutes to rest my eyes before going back to class. Next thing I know, its 20 minutes later. RUNNING into the hotel at break neck speed. 
• It's amazing how much attention I have depends completely upon the topic being discussed. I can drink in one thing for three hours, and then be clawing at my eyes by hour one for others. Namely, prenatal yoga. Ugh.
• Yoga training can be guaranteed one thing. At least one massage therapist. Aka. Table massages today! 
• And that was a neck massage sent from the heavens and unicorn village.
• A hyperactive super nazi nutritionist that tells you not to eat breakfast, not to use vitamins, and is a raw vegan, talking for 2.5 hours. Not a great night session.
• Although I did learn that microwaves are illegal in Russia.
• I am on a mission to find out my blood type. In the East, they hire people specifically for their blood type. Like, only A blood types can apply for this job….crazy isn't it? 
• Also, that people's diets can be designated for their blood type. O blood types should NOT be vegetarians. 

RYT. Day Eight. Keep the poses straight!

Day Eight: 90 min yoga flow, Practice Mat & Finishing series, Group teach entire class, Kundalini/Kriya Theory, Yoga Nidra/Gong Bath

• Today started dreary and cool, and our wardrobes totally matched it. Everyone was in super comfy clothes, and I donned the pigtails. 
• Morning practice was stronger and more focused than I expected after three straight nights of 5 hours of sleep.
• My low back has healed extraordinarily fast, but my neck needs a bit more time, however not totally disabling.
• I have never done jump up from plank very gracefully. I did it perfect once during practice, and every time after that was silent and strong. Funny how mental mind blocks are totally real.
• My elbows have ceased the feeling of snapping in half during shoulder rolls.
• There was a mini tangent on Gemology. I'm the first to roll my eyes at that stuff, but its certainly interesting.
• I keep wishing for Adamantine studios to open near home. It sounds like the perfect style for me. And the most effective. 
• "You can't create stillness through force"
• "Yoga is seen as transformation, but its not. Its about what already is. It just uses transformation to show you what is in your inner being"
• Thank god for smiley dancers in the front row to help you out during Group Teach when you completely blank on what to do after boat pose in the Mat Series. 
• Some people just really annoy you. They need to learn that being the elder in age does not automatically make you the leader along with the actual educated instructors. 
• The last hour before dinner was near impossible, my eyes kept closing no matter how interested I was in learning about the torture that is Kundalini style.
• Chakras are fascinating. We didn't cover near enough. I want to know more!
• In order to prep for the Gong bath after a dinner break, we had to get our bodies re-energized (and I don't mean the typical definition of energy). So we used Kundalini Kriya's in order to do so in about 35 minutes. 8 kriyas, and I was sweating and breathless and miserable. 
• One such Kriya was bow pose, rocking forward and back on your stomach, breathing Lions breath with your tongue hanging out, for two full minutes. NOT pretty.
• "Feel your ears hear…."
• Something about those vibrations makes me want them every day for the rest of forever. You feel every millimeter of your skin. 
• Driving under Gong shouldn't be allowed. DUG is definitely a dangerous and risky activity. You just simply don't care. 
• Tonight marks the halfway point of our two week intensive. Feels like I've been here a year. And yet, only a few hours at the same time. 

Curls and Ego Cuddles?

I am FINALLY at a gym this morning, after two days without. And I feel like Barney blew up here. Not just his bright purple and acid yellow, but Barney's aura of smooshy love clearly remains.

They say No Judgement, yet how can you not at least ponder the 50 year old at the free weights who has spider (spiderman style) tattoos on all four limbs. I mean really?

Cardio feels amazing. Watching my FT40 hit 170 makes my heart soar (almost literally ;-) ).

I could stay here all day, but itd be easier if I were a colorblind optimist, I mean a Lunk Alarm? Is this Chuckie Cheese?

Imploding my brain with yoga.

I meant to write a post before I got here, explaining about my yoga journey in life so far, and that just didn't happen. And seeing as though in the past 48 hours, I've looked at Facebook for a total of about 45 seconds, that might help you understand just how insanely busy this next 15 days will be.

8:30am-9:00pm. Every day. Including weekends. For 15 days straight. Thats a lot of knowledge being pounded into my brain. All I want to do is sleep as soon as Im done for the day. I don't even want to veg out with tv really, I just want bedtime.

And food. But that's because I somehow stupidly decided to pair this experience with the Clean diet, but Im hoping ill end up being ok with that. At most I will get an hour of work out a day while I'm here on days that I can get up early enough to hit the gym.

Anyways, I wanted to post a few thoughts every day while I was here, just pass on bits of interesting facts or personal lightbulbs as I go. It won't be as in-depth as it could be, or I would be typing twelve hours a day, because its all fascinating. But here's a MINISCULE teeny mini mind snatch of Day 1 & 2.


Day One: Introductions

• "Do what challenges you the most"
• Realization that I've been instructed incorrectly through 99% of yoga classes
• Balancing the body is far more complex than you would think it is. 
• I have tightened up so much and lost so much of my fluid flexibility. Lost so much / tight
• I'm really struggling with my desire to train to build this muscle like I have for the past year, knowing that I am now struggling with what used to come easy in yoga.
• However, I do know I can build back to it rather easily, because I haven't lost as much ground as it feels.

Day Two: Group practice, Theory, Anatomy, Partner/Acro Yoga

• "98% of your body is brand new every 365 days"
• Pigeon is a horrible pose for the mass majority of us.
• Most of us have been doing Triangle wrong for years.
• Emily and I  created a new partner yoga pose, "Horse pulls the Plow"
• AcroYoga is the scariest fun you can do with just your body.

Not even A&E?

I am the ONLY one at the gym, I ask the attendant to change the channel from ESPN. She chooses MSNBC. As a female in my 20s, ellipticaling to Hardball with Chris Matthews does not bode for a successful workout.